As young girls we learn to play small, to hid.  Fathers thought boys had more value so that made us shrink.  As we went through school if girls were pretty and smart they got teased and then started playing small.  Then came college and the workforce.  We got jobs that increased in responsibilities and titles plus increases pay. 

Then after a few years came the decision – marriage and children or career.  Or, I can do both, opps nope can’t. Have a baby, take a few weeks, months, years off and come back to work.  Continue to climb the ladder and then one day you realized that not only are you competing with men you are competing with what other women are saying about you.  It starts to hurt because you thought everyone was part of the same sisterhood.  Weren’t we suppose to support each other?  Where did that ideal go?

Then fast forward 10, 15, 20 years later and you have put on 30, 40, 50 pounds, children are heading off to college or living with someone or getting married.  You may still be married to your first husband, second or divorced but you start to wonder – what happened? 

Wasn’t I supposed to own my own company and be flying in a private jet?  Or wasn’t I supposed to be an Academy Award winning actress?  I was going to be the first Women President of the United States?  What happened to the foundation I was going to start to help get water to Third World countries?  Or just, what happened to me?

When this moment first happened for me, I was at the time 100 pounds overweight.  Like most people I was using weight as a protection. I tried to tell myself that many spiritual people have extra weight to protect themselves but deep down I knew that was bull honkey.  I then lost 40 pounds, yea for me but still had 40 pounds to lose.  I would diet lose 10 then gain 11, lose 15 gain 16.  I could not seem to unlock the weight loss lock.  Then it happened.

The morning after Christmas day 2013 I woke up at 4:30 and could not get back to sleep.  I was thinking about my presents and should I keep them or take them back.  I liked them all but it seemed “a bit much” for me.  Then I heard a soft women’s voice say, “stop hiding.”  What? Who said that?  I answered “hiding from what?”  Now I have, lived on my own since 18, had an abusive childhood, was in the Air Force as a Medic, have a college degree and help found and continue to be the CEO of the state’s largest and most powerful Assisted Living Association.  “I don’t hid from anyone.” 

The answer back kept me awaked over the next few nights, “You are not hiding from anyone, you are hiding from YOU.”  “That is not true” my EGO voice silently screamed in response, “Look at all I have accomplish.”  “Correct again, but look at all the things you have not accomplished, but dreamt of doing. Why did you not accomplish all of those dreams?”  “I changed my mind.”  Then I gave myself a hundred no a thousand excuses why I had continued down the path. 

A few mornings later, at 4:30 again I woke up to a voice saying, “Have you always been overweight.”  After thinking about it I responded, “no in my 20- 30’s I was really thin.”  “Figure out what was different back then and you will find the key to unlock that safe.”

Are you hiding?  How?  From what?  Please comment below so we can all help one another stop Playing Small and start Playing big.