On New Year’s Eve, Dec 31, 2013 my husband and I went to see the movies “Frozen”. Sitting there I kept reflecting on my “dream” about being thin and why I was thin in my 20-30 but not now.
I have alwasy had great jobs, was in a wonderful relationship and everything was going well. Heck I was climbing the corporate ladder! But I was always finding "in my mind" more people critical of how I dress, looked, and acted. The pressure I would put on myself to raise money, grow membership, successfully pass legislation was enormous. I always learn fast but was "in my mind" surrounded by people who know what they were doing so that caused me to start shrinking more.
Have you ever been frozen in time?
I always thought people were laughing at me. As a child my mother would yell at me that people were laughing at me. Now if you don’t know me, I must say I'm a funny person. Like my Father and Daughter, we have a gift to make people laugh and enjoy life. That drove my mother crazy no idea why but it did. It drove my mother crazy that I loved life.
In fact I like to say about my life experiences, “I drank from the nectar of the Gods.”
However the biting words from my mother convienced me for a long time that everyone was laughing at me. Now I am older and having worked through "my stuff" I now know for the most part what people are really thinking is about their own insecurites and are to immersed in themselves to think about me or you. Whew, that's a relief.
Getting back to the story, at that point in time, I started to freeze, just a bit, I became a bit more cautious.
A few days later I sent out a broadcast fax with a major mistake. (If you don’t know what a broadcast fax was you probably also call watches, clock bracelet). My phone rang off the hook with condemnation about the mistake. Then it seemed, to me, for the next 2-3 weeks I could do nothing right.
Instead of shrugging my shoulders, I began to shrink more. Shrinking to me means get out the chocolate chip cookies. I would not have one, not two, but 4-5 at a time. I would talk my team into going to Subway at 3:00 pm for Chocolate Chip cookies. When I stress – lock up the cookies.
At the same time, while the Association I am CEO of was growing, booming and thriving, I was shrinking. Getting smaller and smaller. My salary increase, I continued to get smaller. The other Association I helped found received over $500,000 in grant money due to a wonderful relationship I had with two amazing women in Tucson. I hid more.
All my childhood issues poured out. All my mother’s terrible tirades about how no one could ever like or love me poured out of me. That I was stupid, clumsy, and fat all came racing out.
All through these years I was living two lives: one happily married with an amazing daughter and the other life as a "loser". I continued to hide. Continued leading two living and packing on the pounds.
I didn’t realize I was hiding I thought I was living life to the fullest. Heck, we vacation everywhere, were financially stable, had a great job, respected in my field, a speaker, and leadership expert. . . but I continued to hide.
Getting back to the movie “Frozen.” While sitting there I realized I was FROZEN in time!
I was hiding in plain sight.
I was hiding by being more than 80 pounds over weight. I was hiding behind my weight. Do you know what I mean?
I could not go places because I was fat. Can’t do that because I was fat. Can't wear that, can't speak there, can't go to that event becasue I was fat. My mother was right – I was fat. I fullfilled her prophecy. (In refelction when she said I was fat at that time I was not. She seemed throughout her live to have issues with “fat” people and projected that anger onto me. I never understood why because she was always thin. Go figure, parents!)
The point of this lengthly blog is – – – -My weight was my way of hiding. Playing small.
How do you hide?
Please comment below –
Playing Small and start Playing to our FULL POTENTIAL.
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